When Writer's Block Strikes

Published August 2008

I will be honest. Up until the 11th hour and at the risk letting my very understanding, very kind (and by now somewhat ready to drop kick me across the room) editor down, I resigned myself to the fact that I was suffering from a severe form of writer's block. I spent the last few days heeing and hawing about possible topics that would hopefully not render readers into a zombified deep sleep brought about by sheer boredom - but instead be deemed as interesting. Or at best, funny.

When writing for this column I try my best to be as politically correct and as inoffensive as I can - which is usually an uphill task for me. In real life I am regularly unPC and interestingly offensive in person. But somehow I manage to get away with it. Either I'm better looking than I think and people find it charming (sadly unlikely) or I have some very kind friends (which sounds more like it).

A fellow writer recently suggested that I should treat this column as if it were an extension of my blog. And for today, that idea goes down very well with me. I have decided to share snippets of my life by way of interesting observations that have either sparked my interest or simply tickled the figurative funny bone.

WHILE IN THE ELEVATORI work in a prominent building in the central business district in Kota Kinabalu. Not only does this place have a ton of offices under its belt, there are also about a million people who make their way here on a daily basis to shop and to eat. While crammed inside the elevator the other day I spotted a man and a woman canoodling and cooing to each other. While this is not an unusual sight, what grabbed my attention were their respective shirts. The woman was wearing a top with the words "He Is My Prince" proudly printed across it. Not to be outdone her male counterpart's shirt read "She Is My Princess".
I stifled a condescending snort and tried hard to look elsewhere.
In the same elevator I then spotted another woman wearing a badge that read "Lose Weight Now. Ask Me How!"
I'll be honest and admit that I truly did want to ask her how. If only she looked as if she was losing some weight that is. Yes, she had girth.
I'll also admit to feeling a bit left out as I don't have shirts with slogans on them or attention grabbing badges. I then made a mental note to go shopping. Fashion police be darned.

YOU'RE JUST NOT THAT CUTE ENOUGH
So the Olympics are upon us. And China has done its best to exhibit, with all the pomp and circumstance it can muster, just how it can kick it Asian style to the rest of the world. Dalliances with human rights groups and topics of air pollution were, for a limited time, downplayed as everyone settled in to watch and appreciate some truly stellar levels of sports.
 I'm sure millions of people tuned in to the opening ceremony and I'll admit to being wowed by the sheer amount of planning that went in to it. A visual feast, that was.

Sadly however, we were made aware of certain distasteful goings-on behind the scenes.
I'm sure we've all heard that little Lin Miaoke who performed China's national anthem "Ode To The Motherland" at the opening ceremony was actually lip syncing. The reasons given for this were that

a) The original singer Yang Peiyi was deemed 'not cute enough'

b) The child on camera “should be flawless in image, internal feelings, and expression,” stated officials.

The reason behind all of this? “National interest,” they said.

Somehow this still leaves me with a very bad taste in my mouth as it clearly seems to undermine the true nature of the Olympic Games, the solidarity and humanity of it all. Not cool, China. Not cool at all.

WHILE ON SKYPE TODAY
Anyone here not familiar with a certain computer software program called Skype? Right a brief introduction then. Skype is very simply a communications tool that allows you to send instant messages online, as well as make phone calls. Many happy hours have been spent by yours truly, annoying office colleagues with burning questions such as "What time are we having lunch?", "Can we eat soon?", "Are you hungry yet?" and the like. I'm sure you get the drift. Some very serious and highly technical banter indeed.

What I had not encountered until only a few short hours ago was Skype spam. No not the processed meat in a tin but junk mail. Usually advertising some get-rich-quick scheme or another. I was reaching for the delete button when I noticed the last paragraph in the spam message :

"Start your Journey With Us Today!
(If you are not interested, thousand sorry for disturb!)."

I had visions of unleashing a thousand sorry-for-disturbs on innocent, unsuspecting individuals. Could you even begin to imagine the amount of pandemonium I could cause? A very pleasant thought indeed as I rub my hands together with some measured level of glee while I try to reign in my imagination before it runs awry.

MEN, CATCALLING AND STRATEGEMSCountless women friends have relayed stories on the unsmoothness of men and the efforts put forth in attempting to gain the attention of the fairer sex. Apart from the whistling, childish posturing and general noisemaking, men seem to be applying the singing technique. What is it? Imagine you're just walking along, doing your thing. One guy spots you and in an effort to get you to notice him, will sprout off and display his vocal prowess. Usually cheesy, annoying love songs are the picks of choice. It doesn't matter if this chap has a voice that could scare off Genghis Khan and the invading Mongol hordes, he will sing and do his level best to make sure you take note of him at the very least.

A blogging friend relayed a story the other day about how she was walking to her car while being serenaded to by a gentleman who was clearly trying to get her to notice him.

"Did he stop?" I asked

"No," she replied. "He sang louder. What did he expect me to do? Am I supposed to come to a stop, giggle, bat my eyelids and twirl my hair with a finger and coyly say, "Why hello there stranger."?'

The lady had a point.

There simply has to be some secret classes being conducted out there which  teach the lads on how to approach women with these superfly smoothness techniques. Love Songs Butchering 101? How To Get Any Woman You Want Simply By Making Annoying Kissing Sounds?

That's pretty much it for this week. In next week's column I'll be interviewing Jen Pinkowski, noted freelance writer and contributor to that pantheon of great writing, the New York Times. Jen is in town for a few days as a tourist and from what I understand is enjoying her first visit to Sabah a great deal.