I’ve always believed that to know the true nature of a person, one must examine their friends. If a seemingly cool individual is surrounded by a row of thugs or a gaggle of nasty gossips, chances are it will probably spell trouble for you in the long run.
So let’s say you’re a perfectly normal and reasonably contented individual. Look around you and take note of the first circle of friends that are closest to you. And then the circle immediately after that and so on. Examine your relationships and interactions. We all have different friends for different occasions. But it’s the ones who make a difference, and who genuinely have your best interests at heart, that matter.
THE EVERYDAY CALL MATE
Do you have a mate you can call everyday to shout out that quick hello to and whine when you’re stuck in ridiculous traffic? Nothing of serious consequence is discussed, just the usual “have you had lunch/what’s the goss” sort of chat. This is not to say that your friendship is light and full of fluff. If you’ve got a mate like this, chances are they’ll be the first one you look for whenever something heavier goes down.
THE FUNNY BUDDIES
When you’ve had the day from hell, do you have pals who are ready to whisk you off into the sunset and steer you towards the nearest Happy Hour establishment? They may not be the Everyday Call Mate, however, their intentions are just as genuine. Chances are they’ll have you forgetting your problems in no time. These friends work best when there’s a group dynamic, each one playing off the other’s sense of humour. There will be a ton of ribbing and re-enactments of spoofs and old stories. A great formula for when you’re in the mood to sit back and let the Funny Buddies take over. Their lyrical waxing would put the writers of Saturday Night Live to shame.
THE ONE-ON-ONE FRIEND
When nothing feels right, is there someone who would happily spend the day indoors with you as you both gorge on that awesome fried chicken from Tanjung Aru town, a large bag of Cheetos and a marathon DVD session? You could be with them pretty much anywhere and have a conversation that lasts for hours on end, and it wouldn’t get tired or dull. The One-On-One Friend is the one who coaxes and calms. And helps you to see the world through rose coloured lenses for a little while.
I have always honestly maintained that I am far from perfect. I get grumpy on a regular basis. I have a tendency to be curt when annoyed. I’m not a huge fan of cats. When I have nothing to say I get quiet, much to the annoyance of whomever I happen to be with. If I’m irritated it shows. When I’m tired I have a tendency to contemplate my navel – easier done when a beer gut is not in the way I assure you. I can’t help it but this is who I am. I’m built with the exterior of an enthusiastic Rottweiler and I try my best to deal with it.
Someone once told me that attitudes are catchy. This means that the people who love me must be serious gluttons for punishment if they’re able to subject themselves to my typical Shan posturing and behaviour on a regular basis. Either that or they’re practically saints. Actually now that I think about it, a few of them do resemble Julie Andrews. One in particular even enjoys speaking in an excellent Julie Andrews accent when the mood strikes her.
But that is not to say that I am only ever an ogre. To the people I love I am loyal to a fault, reasonably honest, helpful, considerate and I would try my best to go out of my way if my help was needed.
Trust, loyalty, fair play. All extremely important factors when we meet someone who has the potential to be a long-term pal. One such tactic I deploy to gauge a personality is to observe how this individual treats or responds to waiters, bartenders, anyone in the service industry who has to wait on us. Simple gestures like a please or a thank you really does go a long way if you’re looking to score friendship points with me. Another thing to bear in mind is genuine consideration towards others.
I was once having lunch with someone I was just getting to know. There was no buddy chemistry and it seemed as though there was very little in common between us. I know this sounds mean and a little arrogant but I was seriously counting the minutes until our meal was over, trying to think up some excuse to escape.
That was until an old lady walked past our table and was bumped into by a waiter who had not seen her. Said old lady slipped and fell. I had never, until that point, seen anyone move as fast as my lunch partner who proceeded to gently help her up, the whole time assuring the petrified waiter that it was an innocent mistake. When it was ascertained that the old dear was making her way out to the lobby where her son was waiting in the car, we walked her out and talked to her making sure she was okay. Lunch buddy had his arm around her the whole time until she was safely in her son’s vehicle. Her son, having had no idea what had happened to his mother until we told him, was extremely grateful and offered to pay for our meal. Lunch buddy assured him this was not necessary and as we walked back to our table, I began to look at him in a totally new light. Now we’re thick as thieves, LB and me, and we try to meet up every couple of weeks or so.
The kind of friends I like? I know this may sound tired but I gravitate towards Nice. I like the word. Nice isn’t boring or stuffy. A Nice person doesn’t necessarily have to be a prude. I’ve had many a historic night out on the town with Nice people. But it’s not all about flowers, puppies and sunshine though. Nice usually equates to Safe. Which is not a bad thing. Pair Nice together with a wicked sense of humour and my friendship is all yours.
And then we get to the bonds that tie us. I have always admired the dynamics between certain groups who have known each other since they were in diapers. That comfortableness, that ease and relaxed behaviour between them is something I’ve always envied a little.
I know this has a lot to do with the fact that I grew up in another country and all my own friends from my younger days are scattered across the globe. I don’t have that history to share when it comes to telling old school stories. It does make me long for my buddies too, but thanks to Facebook, a virtual poke or a wall post is better than nothing at all.
However, and this is where I’m going to contradict myself a little, I like the idea that the people that I have met and have gotten close to, consider me to be practically family. To know that someone values me and thinks of me as an important figure in their life does wonders for my sense of self. The least I can do to repay that trust is to be the best friend that I can.
When I turned 21 someone close to me gave me a birthday card with a sentence scribbled inside that read “Friends are the family that you choose for yourself”.
Until today that is something that still resonates as deeply today as it did when I first read it, 11 years ago.
