Column Ideas That Could Have Been

Published August 2011

COLUMN IDEAS THAT COULD HAVE BEEN

In about 2 months, I will be saying goodbye to my job as chief scribbler and head troublemaker for a local online magazine, and will instead use the free time obtained to do various other things in an effort to really and truly get in touch with my psyche as well as my inner child - whom I fondly refer to as Mini Me. Truth be told I'm secretly a little pleased to be able to act my shoe size and not my age for a bit.

Love my job, love the company I work with and my colleagues are super individuals whom I've actually grown quite fond of, but I was starting to feel as though I had hit a creative plateau – sadly a common malady that strikes fear into the hearts and minds of fellow scribblers the world over.

It seems to have become a regular, almost healthy practice to accept that the shelf-life of most media related jobs is between 2 to 3 years. If you're feeling sluggish and even a little unmotivated you're not doing yourself, or the publication you're attached to, any favours.

While I look forward to the luxury of working at my own pace from my little office at home I plan to seriously focus on my personal writing and will also take up a few refresher classes online with the Gotham Writers' Workshop.

I also intend to pay more attention to this column. Fingers crossed I'll be able to churn out regular, somewhat intelligent writing.

Thanks to encouragement and motivation from some of my favourite op-ed writers around the region, I've been toying with ideas on how to sharpen the content of this column. “What gets you going?” one asked. “When something gets under my skin and I feel like complaining about it. Those pieces seem to be the most popular,” I replied somewhat complacently. Well, life is such that no one likes a whiner and I genuinely felt as though I was irritating myself (yes that is possible), trying to wax lyrical on existentialism and the winter of our discontent. It is much more fun writing about the random, often ridiculous thoughts that rattle around in my head and I was thinking about columns ideas that have been thankfully shelved and will not see the light of day.

Politics

Nope. Nyet. Nein. If there is one stance I've consistently maintained, it's that I have no business sticking my snout where it doesn't belong. I have a weak grasp of local and national politics at best. Better to leave this topic in the hands of my very capable counterparts – people who actually do know what they're talking and writing about – as opposed to my unsophisticated and uneducated take on world issues.

Happy Hour

While my alcohol-inspired gallivants around town are fun I doubt that anyone would want to read about how many gallons of the good stuff we've managed to quaff. I've had the privilege of partaking in some truly exceptional libations, and I've enjoyed some epic sessions thanks to generous, energetic mates who imbibe with equal enthusiasm - but would you honestly want to read about the beer before liquor rule or our adventures in upchucking? Natch, I didn't think so. Unless you really do. In which case, drop me an email. You sound like my kind of people. We should hang.

Candace Bushnell Influenced

Sex and the City's rapier wit, superb couture and global success aside, I was always taught to write about what I know. I am 10kg over my ideal weight, I do regular battle with bad skin, bad hair and bad teeth, and I look like I haven't slept in about a year. Marry that with the fact that I am unable to dress myself in a suitably girly manner (I blame my chunky rugby player legs – the source of much teasing as a kid), and you've got someone who shouldn't be writing relationship columns. An avowed singleton (see above points for reasons why), I've got no game. Also, I don't do pink.

Revenge of the Useless, Sarcastic Kind

I have to be honest. I gave this the most thought and spent hours drafting open letters to those I felt had wronged me somehow, suggesting highly humorous ways for us to work through our problems. The end result is comedic but something tells me that the recipients wouldn't appreciate it. A hilarious form of therapy for me. For said recipients, not so much. I can see the funny in it but some people just don't know how to laugh at themselves. This is why they should get me to laugh at them, for them. I'd be providing a public service of sorts. Right?

Travel, Tourism, Why Sabah Rocks

Sabah, being any tourism ministry's dream come true, has had millions of articles written on how one should traipse in and around our beloved home. Information on things to do, what to see, where to dive and how to eat are readily available online, not forgetting the hundreds of books dedicated to our history, nature, culture and wildlife.

Does Sabah really need yours truly to lower the fine standards set by better writers before me? The answer here is no. You'd want to read positive, helpful and well put-together information. Not my rambling as I sit here, alternating between finishing this piece and contemplating my navel, telling myself that I really don't need to be having bah kut teh (a delicious Chinese pork bone tea soup) for dinner, but knowing that it's what I'll probably end up buying on my way home from work tonight.

Goodbye, diet. Hello, expanding waistline.

I seriously could ramble on, but the computer's app tells me that I'm fast approaching the 1000 word count mark. Bah kut teh takeaway here I come.