Libra No Longer

Published August 2011

In January of this year we were made aware of a shocking discovery: There was a 13^th zodiac sign. Astronomers the world over called for a rehaul of Western astrology and the signs as we know them. Why or how did this happen? I honestly don't really care but for the sake of some form of journalistic integrity, let's just say it had something to do with the moon's gravitational pull on the earth over thousands of years. Google it yourself, that's about all the science you're going to get from me.

Oh sure, I know that horoscopes, just like tales of the monster hiding in your closet, are not to be taken seriously (though my 8 year old self would have strongly disagreed). And for the large part, horoscopes are a bit of harmless fun and fluff. All my years of smugly excusing my behaviour on the fact that I was a wiffly-waffly Libran were suddenly thrown out the window. Imagine a movie montage if you will, of all the times I'd happily said “Oh that's because I'm a Libran. We're so indecisive / self-indulgent / flirtatious / frivolous / lazy / prone to navel contemplation” and how it all came flooding back. I was not pleased at these new turn of events. Imagine an artist having her license revoked. Handcuffed, caged, impotent. That's how I felt. Especially when it was made known to me that I had, thanks to the presence of that 13^th sign Ophiuchus (yeah, try saying that real fast 5 times), been turned into a Virgo.

No disrespect to Virgos intended. I take my hat off to you guys. It can't be easy always being referred to as the virgin in the group – but please understand that everything I had been made to believe from tacky yearly astrological almanac books with hearts on the cover suddenly didn't apply to me anymore. It shook me, I tell you. To my very core. Now you're probably wondering why anyone in this day and age would be so silly as to believe something a writer probably concocted while carrying out some mundane task such as sitting on the loo, churning out excerpts like “Today your heart will be as free as a bird” or “Discover a hidden talent which will bring you much joy” - you know, those old chestnuts. Once I regained my composure and stopped screaming obscenities at the computer I did a bit more reading online. Was I overreacting by behaving like an unhinged banshee? Or were there others that felt my pain?

Indeed there were. 'Lots and lots' would be the best way I could describe the (possibly) hundreds of thousands who were equally bewildered and confused, wondering if they should even bother to read their daily horoscopes any longer. Feeling somewhat lost, I imagine. And then there were those who simply refused to accept their new 'scopes. Stuck to their guns, they did and good on them. Though there has to be a little part of them that hurts every time they get to the comics page of the newspaper and just happen to glance through the horoscope section.

As for me, I've gone cold turkey. No more horror-scopes for me. If my heart isn't as free as a bird or I don't discover a hidden talent which will being me much joy, I don't think I'll mind too much. I'm too busy getting through and dealing with this thing we call life. That being said, I'll contradict myself and state that I'm still open to the philosophy of the Chinese zodiac. A Fire Snake if anyone's interested.