Dear Everybody,
Hello there.
It’s been about two and a half months since my last bit of frenzied scribbling and a lot has happened in that time.
When last we met I was an entirely different creature. I was going through the motions of a groan-worthy daily grind where I felt unmotivated, overlooked, underappreciated and was dealing with multiple sources of stress all at one go. Accuse me of self-pity if you like. I won’t hold it against you. One good look at my bedraggled demeanor and you would have agreed that I was a person reaching the end of my frazzled tether.
When it was time to call a spade a spade, I gave myself a figurative smack upside the head in an effort to shed this whiney and impotent personality I was developing. In a moment of crucial self-preservation, I finally realized that a rest was needed.
Not just a week spent tucked away under my duvet with takeaways for company. No, I needed to completely disengage from the brain-dead zombie I felt I was morphing into. It was time to make permanent changes. It was clear to those around me that I was merely existing – by no means was I living. So I said goodbye to a life where I spent almost every day working, dragging my feet from one bland day to the next. And I set upon a new path.
I am currently on a bit of a mind, body and soul break. Doing what I want, when I want. Ensuring that my activities make me happy. Focusing on loved ones and close friends. At the risk of sounding corny I am finally able to take real pleasure in the little things. A three-movie marathon at the cinema. A much-needed trip back home because I felt like it. Long lunches that turn into dinners because we’re having so much fun, no one wants to leave yet.
And laughter. There is definitely much more laughter.
You could assume these activities are rudimentary at best. I would be in no position to argue with you. Shouldn’t I be out there traversing the globe; using this time to broaden my horizons, hug trees and pet pandas? Granted, my latest accomplishments might not seem awfully honorable or even noteworthy – but there was never any intention for that in the first place. To put it simply, I just needed to do what I wanted to do.
The ironic thing about this situation is that even though I now have all the time in the world, I am hell-bent on not wasting it – especially on fruitless pursuits and persons of low caliber. Changes are afoot, and I will do whatever is required to make sure that I will never return to my former way of life. The momentum of life tends to lean forward, doesn’t it?
When I spoke of my plans to a few trusted friends, naturally they voiced their concerns. How long would I be able to function without having a proper 9 to 6 schedule? Wasn’t I a little too young, at 34, to think of ‘retiring’? Exactly how long did I intend to just do nothing for? And what did I ultimately hope to accomplish?
Fair questions, all. And let me assure you that I have not spent my time uselessly. There has been plenty to keep me suitably busy and I have something up my sleeve, planned for the future. Just not yet, though. I still want to enjoy the slower pace of things for a little longer.
For now I am in a place where I am fully able to be grateful for the blessings and good fortune I’ve had in my life. I used to be incapable of this simple exercise of gratitude. Not because of selfishness or ego, but because I was once so miserable I couldn’t see past my own blinders, convinced that I was never going to experience joy or happiness again. I am pleased to state that what I once believed is now wrong.
For today you can think of me as someone who is taking a solid block of time off to think, to breathe and to just be. I’m in the here and now. For once I’m not rushing off anywhere, worrying about tomorrow or the day after that. And I can’t even begin to fully describe how fantastic this feels.
There is nothing wrong in wondering about what else could be out there. New places, new experiences, new people, new lives, new loves. If one door has shut, another door is waiting to be found and flung wide open.
As beloved poet and renaissance woman Maya Angelou puts it, “Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: ‘I’m with you kid. Let’s go.’”
By far the best marching orders I’ve ever come across.
